Age-old crime

I am an un-married, un-pregnant, not-in-love-and-not-confused-or-sad-about-that, and getting-long-in-the-teeth person. Why has that become such a crime of late? With each passing day, the egregiousness of the crime only seems to increase. I’m not sure what irritates me more – being thought of as a hedonist, an “abnormal” person, or being treated with hope and sympathy – “you’ll change soon”, “everything’ll be alright”, “just wait till May”… People fail to see that I am just as miserable as married people, pregnant people, people in love, and people who’re just confused. Why this marked preference for one form of misery over another?

So, here are the top 10 ways to respond the next time someone tries to give you the “talk”:

– I actually want to be in a relationship, but since I’m fat, ugly and stuck in a dead-end job no one will have me. Can you set me up with your best friend / close relative?

– If the goal is to not fit into that pair of skinny jeans, which method would you say is more efficient? 1 1/2 hours at Olive Garden or 1 1/2 weeks at Presbyterian Maternity?

– And how are you enjoying Nickelodeon?

– Thank you for asking. My relationship with Netflix is everything I ever dreamed of.

– Last Tuesday, I finally did it. Fell madly in love – with myself. I give it two months.

– Children? I’m waiting till more book-friendly models become available.

– Ah yes – the pitter-patter of little feet. I convinced my parents to adopt. It’s been wonderful for them, really.

– Since you asked, research shows that single life after 35 is completely cancer-free. We singles don’t like to let that out.

– (This one’s for enquiries from anyone who’s 10 or more years elder to you) So, what you’re saying is, “If your best friend jumps into a well, so should you?” Oh well, I only wish you’d taken the trouble to tell me that when I wanted to (a) get my tongue pierced (b) drop out of school to get a head start in the pizza delivery business (c) save that money to move to a commune

– You’re just jealous that I might pull a Demi over y’all.

PS: In the last month, I’ve outed myself to some of my friends, and I expect threats, tears et al. from a number of you for this post. Remember your own advice – let’s wait till the end of the year, I’m bound to change sooner than later.

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