R.I.P. Hell no. At least not just yet… I hope…

1. To drive across a continent simply because I feel like a long drive some afternoon
2. To get so drunk that I don’t remember how drunk I was
3. To imagine that this person may be “the one”
4. To meet at least 10 such persons about whom I might imagine #3
5. To be young and silly and make memories that I can bore /embarrass my future family with

Tonight, I think I should just accept reality and lay all these ghosts of dreams past to rest. Why tonight of all nights? Because it’s 1 in the morning, and I just got home from a baby shower. An event for which I:
– cooked all afternoon [1],
– unscrambled words like basinet, bingo’d others like Moses Baskets, listed ones related to giving a baby a bath, and ten more around a bed-time theme
– missed standing week end crib calls with 2 girlfriends
– was asked to dress up “girly” and so wore pearls and a skirt, only to be told that I should wear pants more, and get earrings to match the pearls [2]
– combined the names of 2 sets of parents-to-be to come up with baby names
– played seemingly endless rounds of antakshri, only with baby names instead – with alternating rounds of boy names and girl names

Life seemed to be fine. When did my world get overrun by the married-with-kids mob? I realize that someday, I may decide to have a baby or two myself. Hell, someday, I may even decide to marry someone. But until I do, I don’t think I should hang out with married couples anymore. And especially not married couples with children, present or future.

If any of my married friends is reading this, please do not be offended. It’s not personal. I enjoy your company. But I feel like I’m bypassing single-dom. As rotten as life feels like at the moment, apparently, these are the best years of my life. There’s a 99% likelihood that I will get to your phase, but not just yet. For now, I just want you to accept that there is that 1% chance that I might not do all that I ought to do, or all that I’ll end up doing anyways.

Somewhere between talk of whose parents are arriving when, fixing up car seats, and onesies and layettes [3], I woke up and didn’t recognize my life any more. Is this the dirty secret behind what happens to single people? One day, you realize that you’re living the life of a married person any way (attending baby-showers, cooking for “intimate soirees” for 25 friends, discussing housing prices, and having no sex), so why not go all the way? The next thing you know, you are married and find that life isn’t so bad after all, because it hasn’t really changed all that much.

I need to get a tattoo, a DUI, something, anything to remind myself that I am NOT married. For when it comes to marriage and children, it ain’t over till you actually buy one of them baby walkie-talkie thingummies.

[1] OK, so I made one dish. But tomato rice for 13 people isn’t exactly like turning up with a bag of chips.
[2] That has nothing to do with babies, but I am in the mood for ranting, so let’s not quibble.
[3] On the minuscule chance that you’re single, you’re probably hearing these terms for the first time. I’m not going to explain what these things are. Hold on to your innocence for a few hours more. Cherish it.


7 comments so far

  1. prash on

    “One day, you realize that you’re living the life of a married person any way (attending baby-showers, cooking for “intimate soirees” for 25 friends, discussing housing prices, and having no sex)”

    you’re wrong – we do *not* discuss housing prices


  2. Falstaff on

    My sympathies. The big mistake you made, obviously, was letting your guard down long enough to actually agree to attend a baby shower. That way madness lies. Eternal vigilance is the price of true single-dom.

    The trouble with tattoos and DUIs is that the after-effects last forever. Any time I find myself feeling insecure about my single status (which never happens, of course) I usually spend a weekend on a strict diet of ice-cream and white wine watching arty French films back to back. Show me a married person who will do that.

  3. DoZ on

    Prash – 🙂

    Falstaff: Thank you. French masters & wine sounds like a darn good idea. I had neither Truffaut nor Chabrol around that week end. I gamely made do with back to back DVDs of the Colin Firth version of Pride & Prejudice. In my defense, I did stay up till 6 AM – I am pretty sure that married folks don’t do this either. So what if I had to clean up a filty kitchen the next day while nursing a headache, at least I felt decadent waking up at noon.

  4. DoZ on

    Falstaff: PS – congrats on your stalker! He / she’s mighty amusing 🙂

  5. sudha on

    aha..falstaff got ahead of me on wat i wanted to say. so, jus Amen!

  6. […] I plan to meet more people! At Dallas, I’ve lead a somewhat sheltered life. A very informative one, but one sadly deficient in cheap thrills. What’s the point of attending baby showers, if the only people you meet are the ones giving the showers? The only folks you can impress / scare-the-living-daylights-out-of with the vital knowledge you accumulate from a baby shower are not other married folks. You need single people for that. So, let me amend that to ‘I plan to meet more single people!’ […]

  7. Daphne Jansen on

    Aha, you forgot the one rul for a good baby shower…let someone else organise it!

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